Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the mask I wear. For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks
– masks that I’m afraid to take off – and none of them is me. Pretending is an
art that is second nature with me, but don’t be fooled.
---Anonymous
I give the impression that I’m
secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without;
that confidence is my name, and coolness is my game; that the waters are calm,
and I’m in command and I need no one. But don’t believe it. Please don’t.
My surface may seem smooth, but
my surface is my mask – my ever-varying and ever-concealing mask. Beneath lies
no smugness, no coolness, no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me – in
confusion, in fear, in loneliness. But I hide this; I don’t want anybody to
know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness being exposed. That’s why I
frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated façade to
help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is
precisely my salvation – my only salvation. And I know it. It’s the only thing
that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the
barriers I so painstakingly erect. But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare. I’m
afraid to.
I’m afraid your glance will not
be followed by love and acceptance. I’m afraid that you’ll think less of me,
that you’ll laugh, and that your laugh will kill me. I’m afraid that deep down
inside I’m nothing, that I’m just no good, and that you’ll see and reject me.
So I play my games – my desperate pretending games – with the façade of
assurance on the outside and a trembling child within. And so begins the parade
of masks, the glittering but empty parade of masks. And my life becomes a
front.
I idly chatter with you in the
suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that’s really nothing –
nothing of what’s crying within me. So when I’m going through my routine, don’t
be fooled by what I’m saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m
NOT saying… what I would like to be able to say… what for survival I need to
say, but I can’t say. I dislike the hiding. Honestly I do. I dislike the
superficial phony games I’m playing I’d really like to be genuine.
I’d really like to be genuine,
spontaneous, and me; but you have to help me. You have to help me by holding
out your hand, even when that’s the last thing I seem to want or need. Each
time you are kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand
because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings – very small wings, very
feeble wings, but wings. With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of
understanding, I can make it. You can breathe life into me. It will not be easy
for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. But love is
stronger than walls, and therein lies my hope. Please try to beat down those
walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive,
and I AM a child.
Who
am I? you may wonder. I am someone you know very well. For I am every man, every
woman, every child… every human you meet.---Anonymous
